Why Loving Harder Won't Change Them

Ever wondered why loving someone harder doesn't change them? Today, we tackle this complex issue head-on, revealing why deep-rooted behaviors are often immune to even the most intense love. Using the transformative tale of Scrooge from A Christmas Carol, we discuss how true change usually results from profound personal experiences rather than external pressures. You'll hear a thought-provoking story about a therapist who learned the hard way that assumptions about happiness can backfire, showcasing the vital importance of letting individuals make their own choices.

We also highlight the significance of self-love and acceptance in our pursuit of personal growth. Pushing others to meet our expectations often leaves us drained and unfulfilled, emphasizing the necessity of focusing on our own well-being. By the end of this episode, you'll gain a fresh perspective on the futility of trying to mold others and the liberating power of letting go when relationships no longer serve us. Join us for an enlightening conversation that underscores the importance of respecting each individual's unique journey.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So today we're going to be talking about this Instagram post I saw online, and this Instagram post had a quote in it that said you can't change someone by loving them harder. Now, this is a post that I read that I believe to be completely true. Unfortunately, many of us at some point in our lives think we can change someone. We sometimes plead like you know, if you loved me, you would do this or you would be this way, but that's not the case. This is a lesson, like I said, that I had to learn and so many other people have to learn as well. So we don't pass judgment on this podcast. We need to realize that we can't change other people because the way people are might be more deeper rooted than we think. There's so much research coming out in terms of attachment research that shows that the way people you know are in their relationships, in terms of their attachment type, is based on the relationship that they had with their caregiver at a very young age. So it's incredibly deep-rooted how they act in relationships. So sometimes change does happen, but often change will happen, usually through life-changing situations. Usually a person has to face a life-changing event for a change to happen. Sometimes this can be a loss of a loved one. This can be a loss of a loved one due to death. When it's due to death, here they come face-to-face with their own ways and maybe face to face with their own immortality, the fact that they're not going to live forever. And that raises many different questions for the person, for their whole life, different aspects of their life, how they're living, whether they want to live that way. It makes them come face to face with everything. It reminds me of Scrooge from A Christmas Carol, scrooge McDuck for those of us who watched a cartoon Christmas Carol movie or read the book. He changes his ways only when he is visited by his old friend who has passed and is a ghost His dear friend, I forgot the name. But only through these visits he becomes kinder in his ways. See, it's not because someone begged scrooge to change, it's because his deceased old friend came to visit him and he came face to face with his immortality. This makes us see how little is in our hands. I keep saying that because so little is in our hands when it comes to someone changing. But yet at the same time we start acting like we can change someone by loving them harder. So we keep pouring ourselves into the person until there's nothing left of ourselves. We think we are superhuman, we can change someone. And what if that person doesn't want to change?

Speaker 1: 3:10

It reminds me of the story of this therapist who kept seeing a client who was seeing two different women and he was trying to decide which woman he should be with. One of the women wanted to settle down and start a family and all that good stuff, and another wanted to do them to be together and to do their own things. The therapist concluded. The person settled down with the one who wanted to settle down and start a family. Unfortunately, a while later the person came back unhappy because he wanted to do his own thing while his partner did her own thing. The therapist had made a big mistake of assuming what his client would appreciate and be happy with.

Speaker 1: 3:50

So sometimes we have to leave room for persons to make their own decisions, no matter where their decisions take them. We must accept their unchanged self or, when it's not working for ourselves being in that relationship, we must let the person go. But a lot is in our hands when it comes to our own growth as individuals. Although we cannot love other individuals towards change, we can love ourselves and we can change ourselves. We can love all our imperfections. We can learn to accept people as they are, not who we wish they would change and be. Sometimes this means we will have to let people go so they can be who they want to be. Sometimes that means we must be okay with our unmet expectations instead of pushing for an individual to meet our expectations. Chances are, people might not want to be who we want them to be, hence conflict ensues. We might have never considered the values both people bring, but maybe the values of both people are different. So maybe the person you're trying to change, they may be living according to their own values, which may be different from your values, and sometimes we just have to let the person fly away and be who they want to be in perfections and all because, to that person, those traits might not be imperfections.

Speaker 1: 5:19

I believe a person can only change if they have a deep desire to change. This means intense action. This means the person takes responsibility and does not push blame onto other people. They do a lot of inner work and therapy. In fact, they do attend therapy and they are motivated and they do what they need to do. So I do believe people can change, but only when they want to.

Speaker 1: 5:43

Can love play a part? Sure, so the person starts with a desire to change, and love is a bridge, you can imagine, that gets them there. But they have to take the steps themselves, see the seed. That desire to change has to be there in the first place. And what if the person changes from the person that we love, that they once were? Once again, we have to see them as the person that they are in that point of time to truly meet them as a human being. Truth is, we are all changing, me and you Like. The weather changes, so do we. Sometimes we grow and the other person may not grow, or they may change, but in different ways than us.

Speaker 1: 6:25

In reality, we have to accept the way things are and the way that the person is. This does not mean continue to accept negative behavior towards you or their breaking of your boundaries. This means accept them as they are and let them go. If they are not respecting you, let them go. Too often we have the story in our head that we are going to be saved by a prince and then we meet someone and we try to fit or mold that person into that role and then chaos begins when they try to break free from that role because we are not meeting them where they are and meeting them as who they are.

Speaker 1: 7:00

Accept people as they are. Do not put them in roles that you want them to have. So how do we do it? How do we accept people as they are? We let go of our expectations of other people and we see who the person really is. We let go of judgment. We let go of good or bad. We let go of our ideas of how someone should act. We need to realize we will not always know what someone is going through in their life and we need to realize we may not know all the stories in that person's life. So we need to refrain from writing our own story of their life to benefit our own ego. We cannot change people to be who they want to be. Instead, we must meet the person where they are and we must meet the person as who they are, not in the role that we want to place them in. Thank you for listening to this podcast, everyone. Hope you have a great day. Bye.