How to Set Boundaries

What if setting strong personal boundaries could transform your life and career? This episode promises to empower you with the tools and insights needed to confidently establish and maintain those boundaries, even in environments that pressure women to prioritize others' needs first. We dive into the emotional and psychological challenges women face when trying to honor their authentic selves, particularly the fear of upsetting others or jeopardizing career advancements. Learn to navigate these internal conflicts by recognizing your true feelings, employing psychological flexibility to manage guilt, and tuning into bodily sensations that guide your decisions. 

Setting boundaries doesn't have to mean over-explaining yourself or seeking permission. We'll share practical advice on framing your responses as acts of self-care, teaching others by example, and knowing when to seek professional guidance if your boundaries are violated or you're in an unsafe environment. Hear how these strategies can help you live more authentically, prioritize your well-being, and ultimately lead a healthier, more fulfilling life. Listen in and discover how acting from a place of love, rather than guilt or fear, can revolutionize your approach to self-care and personal integrity.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Creating Boundaries as Women
• 8:30 Empowering Boundaries for Self-Care

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Drawing boundaries can be especially hard for us women. Why? Because society has conditioned us to not tune in and to honor our own intuition. Instead, society has directed us to hyperfixate on the consequences of our decisions, so much so that we betray our authentic selves to meet the needs of others. You might have a mother-in-law you need to draw boundaries with, or a rude boss. The consequences may be clear, but still you may be feeling not okay with not saying a thing. On the inside, you might want to scream, but if you do, you may risk losing that promotion.

Speaker 1: 0:41

This situation presents itself to many, many. The best strategy is to not exaggerate the behavior of others, but to see the behavior exactly as it is, and it's also important not to minimize or deny the behaviors. The answers won't be clear, but your authentic self is clear. Often we do not want to draw a boundary, not because we don't recognize our boundaries Our inner selves do recognize our boundaries but because we fear that we might make the other person mad. So what we end up doing is we try to keep the peace, and so we don't draw a boundary. Therefore, whatever time that is spent with the other individual is coming from a place of guilt rather than from a place of love. And so I ask you the question do you want to live from a place of guilt or do you want to live from a place of your authentic, loving self? In some cases, you might not speak up when someone is being disrespectful towards you based on fear. You may tolerate their behavior, hoping that they change, or try to be their personal social worker, hoping to change them, but you can't be their social worker. Even then, you are acting from a fear place rather than from a place of love. I want you to act and live from a place of love, your highest authentic self, because I believe that you want to live from your authentic self, that you want to operate through love rather than fear or guilt.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Self-care is self-preservation, self-preservation, and if you can't take care of yourself first, you will wear yourself thin and sooner or later, you will be of no benefit to others. One analogy that I like using is a plane analogy. When you're on a plane and something happens, the pilot asks you to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. The reason for this is because if you can't breathe, how can you possibly help others? And so you need to put yourself first before you can help others. When you fail to draw boundaries, you end up doing what you don't want to do and you deplete your energy for tasks that have more value to you or are more important to you. When you do not pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and priorities, you are not including yourself in your self-care. So what happens? You end up engaging in what I call performative self-care. You buy that bath bomb and throw it in the bathtub for a good 20 minutes before you go on your date, only to be depleted by the task that you don't enjoy doing and you neglect what you truly value.

Speaker 1: 3:36

So to be truly authentic, we have to live with the guilt that may come from putting ourselves and what we value first. We have to accept the fact that we cannot and should not try to control the emotions of those around us. To be better with boundaries, we must also learn to sit with the unease of disappointing individuals, because we cannot please everybody, and if we try to please everybody, what will happen is that we will not be authentic to ourselves, we will be fake and we won't be moving from our heart. We must also understand that just because we have disappointed someone through drawing a boundary, we are not being inherently bad or acting in an immoral manner. Sometimes people may try to make you feel guilty for your boundaries, but you got to listen to that gut feeling of yours that says no, this is not okay or no, this can wait. We need our internal voice to be strong. Chances are you will feel guilty for drawing a line, but you got to be okay with the guilt noise in the background and you got to use your heart instead as your guiding compass to your decisions In a way. Understand this. You cannot use a guilt as a compass to guide your decision. Your decisions need to come from your truest, authentic self.

Speaker 1: 4:57

One way you can deal with this guilt is by using psychological flexibility. Learn to have a curious and open-ended relationship with your thoughts and feelings, rather than taking them as the absolute truth. This is because, when you take your feelings as the actual truth, what occurs is that you get overstressed and freak out and give in to the wave of guilt. So stand back and watch the guilt emotions like give in to the wave of guilt. So stand back and watch the guilt emotions like you're watching the wave of the ocean rise and go back into the sea. This will create space between you and your feelings and the thoughts you're having. So, like the waves in the sea, they will not overtake you.

Speaker 1: 5:36

So what you do if you have been having a hard time creating space for your authentic self, wants and the guilt and fear is just torturous is you need to also focus on how you feel in your body regarding relationships, situations, activities and individuals. You need to tune into your body and ask yourself do I feel lighter in certain situations? And so, if you do feel lighter, you may want to put that first. You might want to put that situation that makes you feel lighter or that person that makes you feel lighter first. However, if you feel nauseous inside and your body tightens up and you feel a level of dread, that may be your body signaling no to a person, place or situation.

Speaker 1: 6:29

Another cool and interesting way you can deal with the guilt monster is draw it out, give it physical characteristics, give it a name and identify what it says to you, how it talks to you. Whose voice is it really? Does it have a masculine voice? Does it have a feminine voice? Can you challenge the negative things that the guilt monster says? It doesn't even have to be a monster, it can be a blob, a cartoon, anything you prefer. This stops you from internalizing the guilt and externalizes the guilt, separating the guilt coming from others from yourself. And also, here's another way you can challenge the guilt feeling with research. This is research. It's found that those with high selfishness were more likely to care about others and had more growth-oriented motivation for helping others. That is, they wanted to help others in order to grow as human beings themselves.

Speaker 1: 7:28

And remember, remember the power you have in taking a pause. Too often we feel that we need to make a decision right then and there, and there can't be other solutions or pathways, so we have to say yes or no right away. But this is far from the truth. Take a pause, give yourself that option of taking a pause, maybe even take a day before responding and allow yourself to take the power to ask questions before responding and coming back to the individual with an answer. Understand that you can say yes, no, or you can come up with a different solution, idea or decision that honors your authentic self and your authentic heart. You also need to honor your values. Ask yourself what do you value most? What value wins out? Your values can be the compass that leads the way, along with your inner feelings, excluding that guilt monster as well.

Speaker 1: 8:30

Stop over explaining. Remember. It is your decision. If you try to over-explain yourself, your boundary will be weaker. You will be seen as asking for permission rather than asserting your right to your decision, and so your decision will not be coming from your authentic self, from your authentic heart. I also want to say when someone asks you to do something, you can form your response or your inability to do whatever is requested as an act of self-care. You may say no, I can't meet you for dinner because I'm burnt out and need to take an hour out of my day to relax.

Speaker 1: 9:08

And remember when you're practicing boundaries yourself, you're also teaching others to honor their boundaries. Also teaching others to honor their boundaries. The person may not have had healthy boundaries modeled to them, and you asserting your boundary may lead them with the realization that they too, they too, have the choice and the power to honor their authentic self. If you have children, they may learn from the boundaries that you set with others. If a person is hurting you and harming you, if the situation is dangerous to have a confrontation with an individual, you might want to take smart, intelligent, safe steps to get out of that unsafe situation or unsafe relationship that harms you. You might want to call or consult with a therapist or a social worker who would be the best to guide you in those circumstances and situations. I hope this podcast episode was helpful for you. Bye.