How to Stop People-Pleasing

What if your desire to say yes is actually a need to control outcomes and shield yourself from hurt? Today on Brown Girls Journey, we uncover the hidden depths of people-pleasing, examining how these behaviors go beyond simple acquiescence. We break down the different archetypes of people-pleasers—efforters, avoiders, savers, and those who suffer for validation—and discuss the societal pressures, especially on women, that perpetuate these patterns. Learn how identifying and altering these inauthentic behaviors is crucial for fostering self-love and crafting genuine, lasting relationships.

Next, we shift our focus to the beauty of authentic connections. Reflect on how people-pleasing can undermine real relationships and discover practical steps to identify your own patterns. By reparenting ourselves with affection and kindness, we can nurture our true selves and build more meaningful bonds. This episode aims to inspire you to seek out and cherish genuine connections, embracing authenticity in every facet of your life. If this resonates with you, don’t forget to like, follow, and leave a review!

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Chapters

• 0:01 Understanding and Overcoming People-Pleasing
• 2:25 The importance of Authenticity
• 12:36 Embracing Authentic Relationships
• 12:37 Loving Yourself Back to Authenticity

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi everyone, welcome back to Brown Girls Journey podcast. I'm super excited to do this episode on people-pleasing because so many individuals struggle with people-pleasing. Before I stumbled upon some more in-depth information about people-pleasing, I used to think people-pleasing was just about saying yes to every request and burning oneself out as a result, but this is completely wrong. There are so many ways we can engage in people-pleasing, but first let's talk about what people-pleasing is. In a general sense. People-pleasing is doing something not because you want to, but because you want to control something, such as the outcome or the feelings of others, or because you hope for a reward after you attempt to go along with someone's request. People-pleasing is leading many individuals to not be their authentic self. You are wearing a mask. While you smile on the outside, you might actually be feeling guilt and resentment on the inside. This inauthenticity leads you to be disconnected to others, because how can you really connect with others when you're being fake? Many individuals spend so much of their time being inauthentic, so people will meet their needs for validation not understanding that true authenticity happens when we are vulnerable, when we are real and sometimes when we disappoint other individuals. You might struggle with people-pleasing in order to gain love, affection, approval and attention. It's not that you don't want to be real. It's the fact that you learn that maybe by meeting the needs and requests of others you will find approval and love. But what function does this being not real serve? It serves the function of being a shield from hurt. We believe if we are not truly ourselves, no one can hurt the real us. So it's important to really understand what people pleasing is, especially if you are being driven by these behaviors.

Speaker 1: 2:34

But first it's important to look at the different types of people pleasers so you can get a better understanding of your behaviors. So you might find yourself with an emotionally unavailable partner and your behaviors may be trying to push that partner to be emotionally available, to commit or to stop mistreating you. You might describe yourself as an empath, feeling the emotions and feelings of others, taking on the weight of those around you. Or you might simply be a perfectionist, always overachieving, doing all things to the highest standard possible. So when you're people pleasing, you might try to meet your needs and wants without asking or being direct. You might try to meet the needs of others and at the same time try to control their feelings and behaviors. You might also try to take on roles that are familiar to you, roles that allow you to feel needed, have purpose or feel worthy. So let's also look at the types, the specific types of people pleasers.

Speaker 1: 3:44

So one type of people pleaser is the one that engages in efforting. This person uses effort to try to create self-worth and to push others to accept them. This may look different in relationships, for example. One person may make little effort the person that they're in a relationship with but the people pleaser will respond with so much effort in response, thinking that their effort will allow the person to accept them and see their worth. Another style is the avoider. The avoider tries to deliberately avoid conflict and avoids making others uncomfortable. So the person may refrain from saying no because they believe that this will disturb the equilibrium in the environment and cause more issues. In other cases, the person may tell others what they want to hear, because the person may fear if they really spoke their mind, others wouldn't like them or find them less appealing. An avoider may also try to blend in various spaces, like at their workplace, so they do not shine too much. This may lead to their strengths not being acknowledged.

Speaker 1: 5:03

Savers are also people pleasers. They try to, with their help, save the day. They look for positive feedback for caring for somebody, helping or even rescuing someone in their own ways. They have the false belief that they have the power over the happiness of others. These individuals become overly responsible. Another, more interesting, I would say controversial form of people pleasing is suffering. This is when a person puts themselves in a difficult position of hardship, either knowingly or unconsciously, in an attempt to look good, and these individuals believe that their suffering should influence the behavior and feelings of others. To look at the needs of the person suffering, these individuals try to show how good they are through their suffering to get the other person to acknowledge them, appreciate them, love them, which ultimately leads them to get mistreated and extends the mistreatment they suffer. I can also talk about the theories of how individuals with different people-pleaser tendencies, the theories in regards to why they develop these tendencies, why they take on these behavioral tendencies. But I think what's more important is to look at the solutions, as the origins of these different type of people pleasing behaviors may be different for different individuals, as all individuals are unique in their lived experiences and life outcomes.

Speaker 1: 6:43

However, I do know from a young age we are expected to jump through hoops through the school system. We are expected to be polite to our teachers, to do well in our homework, to meet the expectations of our teachers. So that really molds our personality, and especially for women, like I discussed before, for women we're expected to be polite, we're expected to be warm, gentle and have those qualities of meeting the needs of others. You know, being communal in nature rather than individualistic rather than being assertive. So those things also play a big role. But the real question I think a lot of people have is not how they became people pleasers, but the real question is how do you love yourself back to your real, authentic, genuine self so you can form real, genuine, authentic relationships?

Speaker 1: 7:45

I think the first step is identify what type of people-pleasing behaviors you tend to take on. The best first step is knowing your inauthentic behaviors that are not your truest self and realizing that you need to make a change. You might realize you need to make a change by facing the fact that if you continue to wear the people-pleasing mask, no one will have a real, authentic relationship with you. And that is a hard life to have, where you go through life and you develop very few real, authentic relationships with other people. So the question becomes don't you want a genuine, authentic connection with others that is not manipulated?

Speaker 1: 8:33

You need to ask yourself this question. You need to ask yourself are you a person who automatically says yes to something because you think of how it will make you look good, or do you fall in other categories? Then you need to identify information on what feels right for you and what doesn't. This means identifying what gives you energy and what depletes your energy. This also involves identifying situations that lead you to say yes as an immediate reaction, without consciously thinking through it. You need to ask yourself what do you worry about when you have to respond to a request or when you behave in a certain way? You need to ask yourself what calls or texts do you dread receiving?

Speaker 1: 9:28

It's also important to get out of the people-pleasing trap by reparenting yourself, and the way to reparent yourself is through gently nudging yourself to do the opposite of what you have been programmed to do. Take the voice and the tone of a loving individual. This may be confusing or may feel odd, so let me help you out. First, in reparenting yourself, you should tell yourself that right now, I am unconditionally loved. Then, if you are a person who tries to always be good and meet that criteria in people-pleasing behaviors.

Speaker 1: 10:26

You can breathe in and out and tell yourself, darling, you are loved. You do not need to follow strict rules and standards so strictly to get love that you already have in your own being. If you're an efferter, breathe in and out and tell yourself, darling, you are already so loved. You do not need to perform or prove that you are worthy of love. You already are worthy of love. Avoiders need to breathe in and out and tell themselves it's okay for me to ask questions that others may find challenging, because my needs are important to me. Savers need to breathe in and out and allow other individuals to step in and to take over the situation. Sufferers need to breathe in and out and tell themselves darling, I care about you and I want you to know your suffering does not increase your value. You deserve to be in a healthy, loving environment. This unhealthy environment does not serve you.

Speaker 1: 11:55

Monitor your behaviors and every time you catch yourself falling in a people-pleasing role, repeat the script in a gentle, loving manner. Another step is to monitor whether you're molding yourself into someone you think others want to hear or to see. Realize that you're worthy of having genuine, real, authentic connections with others. Recognize that a lifetime of people pleasing is also a lifetime of fake relationships where people never see the real you.

Speaker 1: 12:36

Truthfully, sometimes all we need to make a change is realizing the consequences of our behaviors if our behaviors remain the same the consequences of not having real, genuine, authentic relationships. So please take some time to identify how important authentic connections are to you. Take some time to identify how you people please and reparent yourself with a loving and gentle phrase. You can use the script we use today and continue to monitor yourself for when you stray from your authentic self and try to become what you believe others want, because we all deserve authentic, loving, real relationships and we all deserve to bring our real self into our relationships and into this world and into society and into our communities. I hope you enjoyed this episode and, if you did, please press like, please follow and please leave a review. Thank you, bye.