Rethinking Narcissism and Healthy Self-Image

This conversation delves into the complexities of narcissism, particularly in the context of relationships. It critiques the oversimplified views presented by pop psychology, emphasizing that narcissism is not a binary trait but exists on a spectrum. The discussion highlights the importance of understanding healthy versus unhealthy narcissism, the impact of childhood experiences on narcissistic behaviors, and the dangers of labeling individuals without a nuanced understanding. Ultimately, it advocates for recognizing the role of healthy narcissism in personal well-being and relationships.

Instagram: @manpreetdhaliwal.88

Emails, questions:
Dhaliwalcounselling@gmail.com

Services: www.dhaliwalcounselling.com

Psychology Today Profile:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/manpreet-dhaliwal-surrey-bc/332001

Chapters

• 0:01 Healthy and Unhealthy Narcissism Scale
• 2:48 The Spectrum of Narcissism: Healthy vs. Unhealthy
• 5:36 The Role of Upbringing in Narcissistic Traits
• 8:07 Identifying High Narcissism: Warning Signs
• 10:45 The Dangers of Mislabeling Narcissism
• 13:53 Understanding Misuse of Psychological Terms
• 15:39 The Importance of Healthy Narcissism

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You might be wondering if the person you're dating is a narcissist. Or you might be wondering if your ex was a narcissist. You might have found yourself on many blogs, on many postings of narcissists, and you might have compared your ex or your partner to those qualities that have been outlined in the blog post about narcissists. This might be pushed by the fact that social media and pop psychology have made narcissism an all-or-nothing concept. That person you're analyzing is either a narcissist or they're not. You're analyzing is either a narcissist or they're not. That person is either selfish and self-involved or not. That is according to pop psychology. However, too often the beliefs circling in pop psychology are inaccurate or they provide an incomplete understanding of the concepts in psychology. Too many psychology-related ideas are floating around with little research backing them, those concepts and those ideas. Too often pop psychology forgets the fact that narcissistic personality disorder was removed from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual on Mental Disorders. Now what is the DSM-5? Dsm-5 is the latest manual, which is essentially a book that diagnoses individuals with mental illnesses. Yet even though it was removed from the DSMsm, pop psychology still views narcissism as a diagnosis that is concrete and 100 backed by research. This could be the farthest from the truth. You will find relationship experts using the term narcissism to explain negative behaviors in partners, which can be a problem in itself. Why is it a problem? The reason why using narcissistic personality disorder to explain away negative behavior in a toxic ex is it takes away responsibility from the person or the ex's decision and choices and places blame on something that is fixed, that is, the person's personality, instead, when in reality a person's behavior may be their own choice rather than the result of a personality flaw, or the person's behavior might have been learned behavior In other cases. I think labeling a toxic ex as a narcissist can be a form of denial or can be a defense mechanism. And when we talk about denial, it's a denial that one's ex made deliberate choices and decisions to hurt the relationship. The person denies the fact that the person made a deliberate choice to engage in those actions and instead uses personality disorders to explain the person's behavior.

Speaker 1: 3:13

When an individual engages in defense mechanisms, the person may try to intellectualize the hurt. This is their defense mechanism that they're using. They use it to deny and stay away from the hurt and the pain that has been caused by the individual, rather than to feel their own pain and move in the journey towards healing. So, instead of feeling their pain and moving in their healing journey, the individual may find themselves going down a rabbit hole of reading all these articles and posts on narcissism. This intellectualization serves as a defense mechanism that only delays their healing.

Speaker 1: 4:02

But still, let's entertain narcissism as a concept. What if there is healthy and unhealthy narcissism? What if, instead, being an all-or-nothing concept, what if there is a scale in which individuals fall, in which it determines whether they have healthy or unhealthy narcissism? What if a certain amount of narcissism was important to live a happy life? Research studies have identified that persons who see themselves as better than average are happier, more sociable and often more physically fit compared to those who are more humble. In fact, these individuals who see themselves as better than average have many positive qualities, such as creativity, leadership and high self-esteem. In addition, this positive self-image may allow them to have a high level of confidence to get through hardships, even through a painful loss or failures. In fact, past events have found that the feeling of specialness allows survivors of tragedy to move towards the future with increased level of hope and with less fear, in comparison to those who don't feel special. Those who don't feel special have higher rates of depression and anxiety. They are less likely to admire their partner as well. This is not the result of their view being inaccurate, distorted. In fact, they actually have a clear perspective or a clear view. However, the view just dims the light in which they see the world. Yet it is important to understand at the same time that narcissism is not something that stays fixed. It is subject to change.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Narcissism can move up and down the spectrum. Picture a line with 1 and labeled 0, like a line of a ruler right. It starts with zero, it moves to one, to two, to three, all the way to nine and ten. We can say the middle is four, five, six. So it's no longer you're a narcissist or you're not. It's more so. Where are you on this narcissism scale?

Speaker 1: 6:32

Where a person stands on a narcissism scale can move up and down the scale on the basis of where they are in their life, their life situation and their age. For example, when a person is sick, they move up the spectrum. When a person is an adolescent, they move up the spectrum. When a person may be pregnant, they will move up the spectrum when a person is feeling lonely, confused, sad and vulnerable, such as in the case of a person going through a divorce or going through sickness at an old age. They will also feel a level of self-centeredness. And we need to also consider the fact that there are advantages Advantages to moderate narcissism, advantages to being at the middle of that scale. For example, when teenagers are moderately narcissistic, they will be less anxious and depressed and will have better relationships than those with low and high narcissism. At the end of the day, healthy narciss who are at the healthy levels will help bring others to the stage alongside themselves when they are on that stage. In addition, those at the center will know when they are getting caught up in themselves.

Speaker 1: 8:07

It is difficult to move up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs towards self-esteem and self-actualization. So what does healthy narcissism help? Individuals with? Healthy narcissism helps individuals to draw boundaries, to be assertive in communication, to have positive feelings about themselves and to take pride in their abilities and accomplishments. So so much good can come from healthy narcissism. Yet pop psychology and mainstream culture has been telling us that narcissism is a bad thing. It's been manipulating us into thinking that narcissism equals bad, narcissism equals all or nothing. So you might still be wondering about those who fall on the 9 or the 10 on that narcissism scale that we've been talking about. How do they get to those high levels of narcissism?

Speaker 1: 9:15

In order to get to the center of the narcissism scale, the individuals will go through a certain upbringing as children. Individuals who get to the center of the scale feel that they matter, no matter what they do or don't do. They feel that they can still count on those who are raising them to listen to them and to provide comfort to them when they are feeling lonely, sad or scared. In contrast, when children are not provided these conditions, they will shape and manipulate and change their actions, their behaviors in unhealthy ways, including beginning a journey or a quest for attention, or doing the opposite, which is staying in the shadows, which will ultimately lead them to fall on the zero side of the scale or the 10th side of the scale, both which are unhealthy. So when children see that they're only noticed or celebrated when they are standing out, they will endlessly chase trophies, applause and approval for most of their life for most of their life. Therefore, we can understand that the circumstances of a child change, mold the child's future behavior instead of the child's innate characteristics.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So who are the adults high on the narcissist scale. They're not always recognizable as the movies and blogs make them to be. Instead, if they are extroverted, they may actually be charming and they may have an allure about them. They may find themselves moving up the corporate ladder. So you may see positive qualities in them if they are extroverted. So the first thing that you look for is the individual high on the narcissistic scale will hide from normal feelings of vulnerability, hide from their own normal feelings of vulnerability, such as sadness, fear, loneliness or worry.

Speaker 1: 11:27

In essence, a warning sign is that the individual will display emotional phobia. They won't let you know that they feel shaky or hurt by something you've done or said. Instead, a response that they will have is anger combined with a show of superiority. They will engage in condescending behavior. This is all done to hide their real emotions. Have they been affected by you and how they really feel? Have they been affected by you and how they really feel? They may also play hot potato, trying to get rid of their emotions by projecting them onto you.

Speaker 1: 12:04

The third warning sign is trying to maintain control. Those at level 9, 10 of the scale feel the need to remain in charge and they will find it hard to ask for help or make their needs known directly. They don't want to feel that they need to depend on others. They will try to arrange events to get what they want. Another warning sign is they place individuals on a pedestal, and this individual that they place on a pedestal might be their partner. It might be you, they think. If someone the special wants them, then they might be their partner. It might be you, they think. If someone this special wants them, then they must be special too. However, when you view someone as extra special, you don't see them for the human being that they are. They're flaws and all and as a result, this does not allow for a deeper connection, because the individual on the right side of the scale is not seeing the person for who they really are. So, a person who may be at the nine or maybe at the 10 on that scale, the individual might just see the person as who they want them to be.

Speaker 1: 13:14

But you ask what about a lack of empathy? A lack of empathy falls in the category of antisocial personality disorder. This is when persons engage in law-breaking behavior, deceitfulness, impulsivity, aggression, irresponsibility, recklessness and a lack of remorse. There is also the term of psychopathy, which includes a lack of empathy, lack of remorse or guilt, a need for stimulation, superficial charm and a grandiose sense of self-worth. This is less than 5% of the population.

Speaker 1: 13:53

So in my point of view, we have to be very careful when tossing out these pop psychology terms and refrain from simplifying the terms, as doing so can give us an inaccurate understanding of other individuals.

Speaker 1: 14:10

It may also lead to inaccurate conclusions, for example, concluding that someone is a narcissist, when in reality the individual may be engaging in certain behaviors not based on personality features, but based on learned behaviors or deliberate choices that they have made.

Speaker 1: 14:27

Using terms such as narcissism or even psychopathy may lead you to go down a rabbit hole of just comparing the signs to your toxic acts of reading more about narcissism, and it may actually be a defense mechanism that you may be using to intellectualize the situation you have been through rather than actually moving towards healing. So I think there has been a lot of harm done when pop psychology has played yo-yo with this narcissism term. In fact, pop psychology has gotten it all wrong and we really need to be mindful of how we are using the term, and we really need to look at not creating excuses for individuals by putting a personality disorder onto individuals and labeling them that way. So we must also see that we must have a healthy level of narcissism to really thrive in this world. So I hope you found this episode interesting and I hope you follow this podcast and you leave a review as well.