Navigating The Pain of Change

In this conversation, Manpreet explores the complexities of change and the emotional turmoil it brings. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and embracing sadness as a natural response to change, advocating for self-compassion and gentle care during difficult transitions. The discussion highlights the interconnectedness of emotions and physical well-being, offering strategies for navigating the pain of loss and the challenges of adapting to new circumstances.

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/manpreet-dhaliwal-surrey-bc/332001

Chapters

• 0:00 The Universal Struggle with Change
• 1:36 How Change Disrupts Our Networks
• 2:55 Welcoming Sadness as a Visitor
• 6:35 Finding Sadness in Your Body
• 9:13 Accepting What We Cannot Control
• 11:23 Closing Thoughts and Moving Forward

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

If you're like me, you dread change. You dread change when it comes to relationships. You know relationships ending. You dread change when it comes to moving. You dread change when it comes to any kind of loss. I've personally never done change very well, which is why I have total empathy and compassion if you are struggling with change in this very moment, because change hurts, change is painful. It is change in moving.

Speaker 1: 0:43

Change changing schools, friends leaving, loss of friends, loss to death, loss of a relationship, loss of a marriage, breakups. There are so many changes we may face within our lives. I remember my first time experiencing change when I was younger being told that I was going to be put into another school so I would have to leave all the wonderful friendships that I had created. In this situation, I had no control over it. My mom had made the decision and I had to go along. So, as a youngster, I cried my tears and tried to navigate the new school as much as I could, but it was really, really hard. And why wouldn't it be? I was planted in the school with this rich and complex relationships I had created, and I had been taken out of that soil and planted into a different school where these complex relationships had not been developed. You see, we develop a complex network of relationships and communication channels with others. So when we experience change in our networks, that is really, really hard and we have difficulties in managing and navigating the change. So if you're feeling pain at a brand new change, tell yourself to breathe. A brand new change, tell yourself to breathe. Tell yourself that it's natural to feel pain when experiencing any kind of change. In fact, if you experience no feelings when it comes to changing places or relationships, that would be a worry, as it would mean that you hadn't dared to place your roots firmly and deeply into any soil.

Speaker 1: 2:50

Yet there are many things that can go wrong when we face change as well. We may try to run away from the painful feelings that change bring. We may try to clutch and hold on to the past to such a degree that we don't allow ourselves to feel joy in the present. We might not even allow ourselves to be present in the moment. So your first step might just be allowing yourself to breathe in and out and grounding yourself by trying to find five different colors around you.

Speaker 1: 3:30

In other cases, such as the case of sudden loss, one might try to intellectualize. They may try to find out why did that happen? How did it happen? Why did that happen? How did it happen? Or, in other cases, the person might simply not allow themselves to feel. If you're experiencing change right now, you might feel overwhelmed, you might feel sad, your mind might feel the pressure of the unknown, it might even feel numb, your heart may feel broken or empty. Even so, what should you do? That is a big question.

Speaker 1: 4:23

I say let yourself feel sad. Welcome. That sadness. That sadness is a traveler. It's a friend. It's there to tell you that you had so much love for that person. It's there to tell you that you dare to love, knowing the risks involved there, to tell you that you are courageous in love. If you are expected to move from one place to another, that sadness is there to tell you that you were planted in a beautiful garden, with your roots deep within that soil, and now you're being taken out of that garden to be placed somewhere else, to be taken out of that garden. It's going to ache and feel painful as you are being taken somewhere else.

Speaker 1: 5:19

So give yourself a little self-compassion. Sometimes we need self-compassion and gentleness with ourselves and gentleness with ourselves. Other times we need to give sadness a seat at the table. Often sadness only needs a seat at the table and maybe a little coffee or tea. But once it gets that seat and stays over with coffee, it will leave.

Speaker 1: 5:51

However, if you don't let sadness in, it will start to bang on the door of your home and banging won't stop. It won't stop when you try to tune it out with alcohol. It won't stop banging when you engage in denial or intellectualization of the situation. Engage in denial or intellectualization of the situation and it won't stop. Even if you try to run to another relationship, as much as you try to drown out the noise, the knocking will still continue. So go ahead, open the door and welcome the sadness in, like a visiting traveler who has stopped by. Your sadness too needs to feel accepted. Only when it is welcomed, only when it is accepted can you move forward, can the sadness leave and go to another place and come back when you know it's time to be sad again.

Speaker 1: 6:59

But to let sadness take the refuge of your home, you also need to reframe what it means to let sadness in If you see it as dangerous, awful and full of pain. Letting it in will be scary. Try to see it as having humane qualities. Remind yourself to feel sad is to feel and to feel human. To feel is to be human and to feel human to feel is to be human. To be human is to be given the possibility of love, such deep love. Sadness doesn't just exist in the mind and the heart. It exists within one's whole body. So allow yourself to understand that sadness may be floating throughout your body.

Speaker 1: 7:57

Try to observe the sadness in your body. Where does it feel heavy? Where do you feel the ache in your body? Where does it feel the heaviest? Where does it feel empty? Where does it feel the heaviest? Where does it feel empty? Where does it feel light? Does the sadness travel? Does it travel from your chest to your stomach?

Speaker 1: 8:21

You see, change not only impacts our feelings and our mind. It impacts our whole nervous system. As human beings, we have learned from our ancestors that we need relationships to survive. So when relationships get cut off, our whole nervous system responds, which is why we need to respond to ourselves as if we are caring for a baby. We need to tend to our physical body as well as our emotions. We need to be gentle with our emotions and sadness as to not be overtaken by them. We need to be gentle with our emotions. Do not allow them to become a deep ocean that overwhelms us and drowns us. We do need the tears, though, but we need to also hold our body with love. We need to give it a hug. We need to cry our heart out, but we also need to feed our body nutritious meals, as sadness travels within our bodies.

Speaker 1: 9:33

At the moment, we face changes within our lives, and we also need to accept that situation has turned into one that we cannot control. We need to accept the truth without judgment, without self-blame, with compassion and gentleness. Sometimes, sadness and the end of a relationship bring upon feelings of what could I have done differently? Could I have changed the ending? Where did I go wrong?

Speaker 1: 10:09

In the moment that you have these types of questions, imagine taking a leaf. Imagine yourself writing the question on the leaf. Imagine yourself placing the leaf in a lake and watching the leaf float away. You see that weight is not yours to carry. The leaf is the things we cannot change, and watching the leaf float away cements your acceptance and release of those feelings.

Speaker 1: 10:47

You are also not a timekeeper. You cannot change time. You cannot turn back time and you cannot turn time forward. All you can do now is tend to yourself in the present moment. All you can do now is to put your roots deep in the soil of where you are currently planted, give your soil some water and some nutrition, and be in sync with the other flowers that surround you, navigate and gain their support. As we close today's episode, remember that your pain is a powerful reminder. It is a reminder of your capacity for love and connection. Take a moment now to breathe deeply, in and out, and remind yourself that you're doing the best you can in this moment. If you like this podcast, please leave a review and please follow. Stay tuned for the next episode. Bye.